If I Die Young
by xkatrinna
Summary: Blaine can't deal with everything when he doesn't have Kurt around. It's just too hard. So this is his final goodbye. Major blangst, Rated M to be safe. Suicide, depression, character death - depending on how you see it. Full warnings are inside.


**A/N: **Uh so, yeah, hi! I haven't written anything in a while and this was just an idea I had and I'm sorry for not updating anything in ages, I'll try and upload again sometime soon. The big **warnings** for this fic are depression, suicide and character death. There is talk of child abuse, past attempts and cutting. I do not promote any of this shit okay. I'm sorry if I make you cry. I really didn't mean to do with to my poor bby Blaine. I have not looked over this so sorry if i have made some mistakes. Make sure to let me know what you think!

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If he was being honest with himself he'd say it started before Kurt left for New York.

But he wasn't; nor was he going to be.

Deep down he knew it started before; knew it started a while before. But he couldn't stand to think that he was that unhappy while with the love of his life, his soulmate. No; that wasn't possible. Kurt was what made him happy. Kurt was what _kept him alive._ Without Kurt, Blaine was ready to give up, to give in.

And right now, with Kurt miles away and more than likely wrapped in someone else's arms, Blaine was close to giving up. He had had it planned for a while. No one knew; and even if they did, no one would care. Blaine was positive of that. His 'friends' from school had been ignoring him lately, ever since they found out what he had done to Kurt. When they did talk to him it was usually something condescending and insulting. The bullying had gotten worse too. He kept getting anonymous messages online telling him to do the world a favour and just off himself. He had even got some notes saying similar things shoved in his locker at school. He had hardly been to school in the past two weeks anyway, he couldn't find the strength to get out of bed and when he did, he'd just drive around instead of going. No one had said anything about it. So, no, Blaine knew no one from school would care.

His family wouldn't either. There was no arguing that. Ever since he had come out most of his family had hated him. No matter how hard he tried to please them or stay out of their way, his family hated him. And Blaine could accept that, he had lived with it for years now. It was honestly no surprise to him. He thought briefly that his father might miss having a human punching bag but discarded the thought. He didn't care anymore. Blaine thought that maybe Cooper would care. But they had barely spoken since Cooper's last visit, he was pretty sure his older brother thought him and Kurt were still together. So, no, if cooper cared he would get over it sooner or later.

The thought that always seemed to stop him was Kurt. It was always Kurt. But Kurt could only save him so many times.

This wasn't one of them.

Perched on the desk in front of him were six things; a pen, a piece of paper, a photo of him and Kurt, a full water bottle, a bottle of pills and a blade. The blade was old and blunt, he had used it before; used it a lot before. Back when Kurt wasn't around to save him. Just like now. The bottle of pills had the lid screwed off and a few had been placed next to it.; so pale against the dark wood of his desk.

Blaine reached out and grabbed three things; the pen, the photo and the piece of paper. He looked at the photo first. He and Kurt had looked so happy together. So content; like nothing bad could ever happen. Oh, how they were wrong. Blaine felt the familiar sting behind his eyelids as tears started to well up. He missed this, missed feeling like he was on top of the world. What he would give to be in those arms on more time, to be able to give Kurt a final kiss goodbye. Blaine grasped the photo tightly in his hands and pulled, knowing that if he lived he would regret it. With shaky hands and silent tears falling down his face Blaine began to write on the piece of paper:

_Dear Kurt;_

_My love, my life, my hope… my soulmate; I'll try and make this short and sweet, even though there is so much to write about. First of all, I am sorry. I know you don't want to hear it. I know. But please, you have to know I never meant to hurt you; ever meant for this to happen. What I did was wrong, unforgivable. But never, not for a second, did I stop loving you. Nothing will keep me from loving you, not even death._

_Hopefully I'm not hurting you by doing this. If I am, I'm sorry. _

_Do you remember when I told you about my life before Dalton? How I told you that back then I suffered from severe depression? Do you remember me telling you about what I did? Well, I'm writing this note to tell you that I'm doing it again. Only this time it will work. I won't make the same mistake as last time. I don't think you will ever read this but I need to write it. I can't go without leaving some sort of goodbye. _

_I want you to know that this isn't your fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. So when you find out what happens please don't feel any guilt. Be happy. Be happy without me. Don't let this affect you in any way. Don't be sad, don't cry. God, please don't care enough to cry. It breaks my heart when I have to see you cry. This is my own decision. I'm doing this myself. Once you find out what I'm about to do I want you to pretend I didn't exist. Forget the memories, forget the firsts. Forget everything. It'll be easier. That is if you care as all; which I can perfectly see why you wouldn't. I don't think anyone else will._

_As for me, I'll remember everything, or at least, all the good. I'll remember the way your mouth tasted the first time we ever kissed, I'll remember the way you used to hold me when I cried, I'll remember the way your voice used to sound when you told me you loved me. I'll remember how we used to always have conversations where the topic was 'if I die young'. _

_I don't know where I'm going with this so I think I should end it soon. _

_I wish I could have told you goodbye in person one last time, could've kissed you and told you that I love you one last time. This letter will have to do, I guess. I thought of calling you but I know you don't want to talk to me. Besides, you probably have better things to do than listen to my suicidal self. So with one last 'I love you' I'll leave you for good._

_I love you, Kurt. Please never forget that._

_Yours forever;_

_Blaine Devon Anderson._

Blaine read and re-read the note a few times; grimacing at the bits of writing that had accidently been smudged from his tears. He had finished the note, had finished every part of his plan besides the actual deed. This was it. He had never felt so nervous and content at the same time in his entire life.

He did it in a rush; one fluid moment. Within minutes there was blood pouring from his veins and pills being swallowed. _This was it. _There was no turning back now. He didn't want to turn back.

Everything was hazy. The room was spinning and his head felt weird; like it was being clouded over. He couldn't make out a thought that made any sense. Couldn't feel the buzz of his phone in his pocket. Wouldn't have enough strength to reach his arm out and grab it. Everything would have been too blurry for him to make out the name "Kurt Hummel" flash on his screen in small, white writing anyway. So instead, he let his head drop and his body go limp.

Let his eyes close and his mind fall into sweet, sweet nothingness.


End file.
